This is the only place I can share this.
I have learned recently that if you wish to be included- in anything- you must allow yourself to be included. Isolation only happens when you allow it.
Now that I have had to move back in with my parents and start working at a fast food restaurant I have realized several things about myself:
A. I am whiny.
B. I am insecure.
C. I am a commitment-phobe.
D. I am still an intelligent person.
Hooray to me.
Life is fragile and incredibly short. I hope that when I reach the end of mine I will be satisfied with how I spent it.
I can become anyone I desire to be. The requirements: hard work and a positive mind.
Now, where did I leave them…
I am not religiously devout like my family.
I feel guilty for this.
Deep down- I don’t care.
I feel more guilty for this.
I was feeling a bit lazy this morning but really wanted a delicious brunch so I made French Toast and sliced a few peaches to go with it. Beautiful and delicious. I am enjoying it at this very moment. Summertime is wonderful…
I want so badly to be inspired right now. I have no muse… or maybe too many muses. Perhaps I don’t have the gumption required to create consistently. I feel tired. But more than just tired. I feel like I have been extinguished. My insides won’t stop crying. I don’t feel depressed. Could I just be in denial? It’s very possible. What I do know is that I want desperately to create something, ANYTHING, but it just won’t get out. It’s like I’m all plugged up. Nothing flows and I don’t know how to force it.
I want to whine and cry and scream at the world, at life, at everyone that is passing me by. I am sick of doing nothing, of being nothing, of feeling everything and not going anywhere. My life sucks and I refuse to admit it for fear of falling into a black hole so deep I will rot there for a thousand years. And when I am good and gone I will not be remembered. Life is futile and I refuse to believe it even though I know it.
I feel worthless. I feel lost. I feel sad. I feel dark. I feel gone. I feel forgotten. I feel… I FEEL. EVERYTHING. I want to do more than feel. I want to do.
I have identified myself as a dreamer. But here of late my dreams have become a maze. I’ve become lost in them. I am going crazy. There isn’t a way out of this maze and it’s getting smaller. My dreams are shrinking and the light is leaving. They are becoming nightmares- beautiful nightmares.
It is raining. I am happy. Summer has too many obnoxiously sunny days. Sometimes you just need a good rain, a reminder that life has ups and downs and even Mother Nature sometimes needs to sigh and let go.
I am growing up - a little too fast for my taste. I am 25. TWENTY-FIVE. I have been feeling pretty stressed out lately. Shall we run through my list of blues? Yes. We shall. Because I am writing this and I can decide what we do. This brings me to my first blue…
- I do not feel in control over my life.
- I am not satisfied with my current position in life.
- I work at McDonald’s. (tragically the only job available in this shitty town)
- I have no community of friends here.
- I feel old.
- I am not doing what makes me happy.
- I am sleeping on my parents’ couch.
- I have no “me space”.
- I have no money.
- My life doesn’t feel very worthwhile.
But there are also happies. We will run through those as well.
- I get to spend A LOT of time with my family (mostly a positive).
- I have a smart, caring, amazing, adorable boyfriend (whom I wouldn’t have met if I hadn’t moved here).
- I actually have a good idea of what I’d like to do with my life.
That’s pretty much where the happies end at the moment. Now I should go make a list of things to do to create more happies and less blues…